A New Meaning of Fall

Fall is coming. It’s approaching fast. The smell is in the air and it comes with dread, fear, and sadness for me. You are returning to school which inevitably means less time with me.

Fall means more time at your dad’s house and less visits to mine. Fall means summer is over and so are our long weeks together.

FaceTime, texts, letters, and weekend/holiday visits will not suffice. I need you. I need you every day. Fall means you are further away from me. Fall means I fall.

Fall will return and I will fall into a black hole, as I do every year. I miss you every day. I wonder if you are thinking of me. I worry I am missing everything. I fear you have thoughts involving my absence. Please know, my sweet girl, I am fighting every day for you to be here with me. I will win. Time is what we need. This, I promise you,

But for now, fall is coming. And that means I will fall.

I will fall into a pit of emotions I fear.

I will fall into a black hole of thoughts that consume me.

I will fall down the ladder I climb every day, because I feel like I have failed you.

I will fall victim to the “what ifs” that sneak up on me each and every day.

I will fall back on what I have done to deserve this.

I will fall into the pool of tears that will drip from my eyes when I drop you off.

I will fall hard, but I will pick myself up.

I hope, every day, that you understand my love for you. I hope that you see, despite the words you may hear, that I will not stop until you have the life you deserve here with me. My fight is for you. You deserve to be here with us.

Fall is hard. But we will adjust. And summer will eventually return. And in the mean time, I will cherish each and every moment you are here. Although visits will be short until then, we will make the best of them. You will fill my heart with joy, pride, happiness, and love during every phone call, weekend and holiday visit, and FaceTime call.

Fall will pass, and so will the sadness. And in the end, we will prevail. You will have the life you deserve. I will not stop fighting until you are here with me each day.

Despite the sadness, I fall the hardest for you. You are mine and I have your back until the very end of this thing we call life.

I love you, my sweet girl.

-Mommy

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